The Obelisk has received word from confidential sources (okay, it was Kevin Bacon) that famed The Tonight Show sidekick and host of Star Search, Ed McMahon‘s death may in fact have been the result of foul play and not the long-reported decline in health previously attributed by the press at large. Our news bureau — against the wishes of The New York Times and the McMahon family — and in the name of the free internet press, is ready to announce that Ed McMahon was actually murdered at the hands of secret underground martial arts organizations.

Ninjas.

McMahon was known for decades to have developed an affinity for the martial arts during his time as a fighter pilot in the Marines serving in Korea. In his second book, For Laughing Out Loud: My Life and Good Times (Warner Books, 1998), the man behind the “Heyo!” call still so popular today recounts learning the Korean martial art Tae Kwon Do under the instruction of a fiery prostitute named Candice. From there it is assumed his decades-spanding descent into the brutal underground fighting scene began.

When Bruce Lee was a guest on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson in 1973 to promote Enter the Dragon, McMahon, in a drunken stupor but flailing his fists at lightning speed and with great precision nonetheless, is reported to have challenged the Jeet Kune Do master to a fight to the death in the name of avenging a fallen warrior he alleged Lee to have killed in Hong Kong. Neither Carson nor Tonight Show representatives would respond to our news desk’s calls, but Carson is known to have for years told the story at cocktail parties of the day?McMahon “kicked Lee‘s wiry ass.”

To follow 2007’s When Television Was Young, McMahon was working on a new book exposing the secret martial arts clans of the world, to be called Seoul to Hollywood: My Life with the Ninjas. Once again, The Obelisk‘s sources claim that once the actors behind what The Nation journalist William Hahn first dubbed “The International Ninja Conspiracy” were alerted to the ongoing progress of McMahon‘s work, they began to hatch their plot to end his life. By making him old. And sick.

The ninjas, of course, could not be reached for comment.