The Obelisk Questionnaire: Helena Goldberg of Akris
Posted in Questionnaire on October 25th, 2023 by JJ Koczan
The Obelisk Questionnaire is a series of open questions intended to give the answerer an opportunity to explore these ideas and stories from their life as deeply as they choose. Answers can be short or long, and that reveals something in itself, but the most important factor is honesty.
Based on the Proust Questionnaire, the goal over time is to show a diverse range of perspectives as those who take part bring their own points of view to answering the same questions. To see all The Obelisk Questionnaire posts, click here.
Thank you for reading and thanks to all who participate.
The Obelisk Questionnaire: Helena Goldberg of Akris
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How do you define what you do and how did you come to do it?
What I do on a daily basis currently encompasses a pretty broad range within a personal, musical and community leadership spectrum. I’m a single mom of a 9 year old girl. I own a music school, and get to teach piano, voice, composition and theory, serve as CEO and co-founder of Green Sloth Records, a student led nonprofit record label, perform as pianist for The Main Street Chamber Orchestra, and served on the executive board of Berryville Main Street since June 2023, a branch of the larger National Main Street organization whose ideals of bringing small town communities together by promoting teamwork through events, programs and initiatives align with so many of my fundamental underlying themes in my music itself.
Striving to be an example of a strong female role model to my young daughter, teaching music, being able to continue playing classical piano with an orchestra and my Dad conducting, and moving my nonprofit in the direction of larger community activism projects — these are things that truly fill my life.
However, “what I do” would be nothing without Akris.
To define it for myself today, it is my spirituality. It is my church- it connects me to something ancient inside me. It helps me put one foot in front of the other on days when nothing else can.
Performing with Akris is when I am able to enter a transcendental meditation state. I do wade through fields of emotion when I’m there performing- usually I am sucked up out of my body into the roof or ceiling of the room watching. There are many times I am not actually seeing the room I’m performing in at all but seeing a place at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean. There seem to be ancient ruins there and very tall shadowy figures. I know they love me and they’ve been with me my whole life.
I am able to express and feel my own personal pain, grief, and absolute excruciating, bone crushing loss but then I find through the music itself the presence of actual beings who I have had experiences with in real life, in visions and in dreams. They are there, in the room, brought down with me during an Akris set and it’s then that I know it’s all going to be ok in the end.
How I came to do it? You were THERE right at that time JJ! There I was, fresh out of the Manhattan School of Music conservatory and I started jamming with Viveca Butler while living in NYC around 2006. At the time, this first incarnation of Akris was called Aquila – because of the uncanny coincidence of our matching swooping bird tattoos and matching dreams about these possible other dimensional beings- the constellation “Aquila” which means swooping bird was a logical choice.
I have to stop myself here though and ask for a second how did it come to pass that I went from practicing 6-8 hours/day in a classical competition piano course at one of the top schools in the world, receiving my degree in classical composition, to playing bass and developing a band so influenced by the heavy music genre, and I have to give credit where credit is due to someone who I really owe these beginning moments of inspiration to.
It’s been extremely difficult for me to talk about until now because of the nature of the circumstances surrounding our relationship, his sudden rise to extreme fame and our subsequent break up which was and still is to this day one of the hardest things I have ever had to cope with in my life.
Truly my first bass teacher, I’ll go ahead and say the love of my life at least up to this point and longest relationship I’ve ever had was with James Richardson of MGMT, whom I met when we were classmates at MSM, dated and shared a home and a dog with during all my years of living in NYC.
He was the one who introduced me to heavy sound, first through multiple sans amps of which I’ve used like 5 through the years. He’s the one who got me my first EHX bass microsynth, something that truly defined my early sound.
As an 18 year old involved in the world of classical music only- he was the one that played me Babes in Toylands “Fontanelle” for the first time and completely blew my mind apart.
I learned bass on his Rickenbacker, thunkin out lines to Dead Meadow and 13th Floor Elevator songs. I had never even listened to Led Zepplin or Black Sabbath before him. He truly opened that door for me into the world of heavy music for the first time.
When I started jamming with Viveca he enthusiastically encouraged us to go in the direction of being a loud, heavy bass and drums two piece – around this time Big Business released “Here comes the Waterworks” and I remember listening to this and having long talks with James about it being such an inspiration for vocals and bass tone.
MGMT was just starting to blow up in Brooklyn at that time around 2006/2007 and Aquila even played several “secret” shows at Glasslands with them and the other buzzy band of that time Chairlift.
This was around the time I was obsessing for the first time with the entire Melvins discography, Karp, Bretwaldas of the Heathen Doom,… . and then “Blood Mountain” by Mastodon came out. I poured through all of Mastodon’s earlier releases at that point and knew I was finding a way for what I truly wanted for our sound.
We went to the Mastodon/Neurosis show at the Brooklyn Masonic Temple — hoping to meet the Mastodon guys we hung around backstage and ended up becoming fast best friends with Ben Teeter and Chad Davis from US Christmas, who were in the band at that time and opening that show.
They invited us to come play in Hickory NC and those first tours down south introduced us to other extremely inspiring musicians and bands as we met and shared the stage with Joel and Chris from Subrig Destroyer/demonaut, Sea of Bones, Armazilla, Weedeater, Rat Babies. These bands from the southeast, throughout North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Tennessee were always so incredibly kind, impacted Akris’s sound tremendously, were there and still are there for me — and I’m so lucky to still call them and so many more from those early times friends to this day.
Describe your first musical memory.
I was 3 or 4, and my older brother had started taking piano lessons ahead of me. Both of my parents are classical musicians, and decided my brother and I would take piano as part of our education until we graduated high school.
They signed my brother up with the most feared (still to this day) chain smoking, piano studio competition winning teacher in the Northern Virginia area.
I remember my brother being scared s-less going up to her piano with his beginner book and opening it up, and playing something with a picture of a cat.
I was so little I had to jump down off my chair but I definitely ran over and bombed their lesson to play the cat song and see the picture- luckily I didn’t get in too much punitive trouble but I did start lessons the following week. definitely influenced how I teach piano today especially to little kids and being aware of how much a visual like that can link to a musical memory!
Describe your best musical memory to date.
I have to give an honorable mention, maybe it’s cheating but its right up there-
– Anytime I get to play with my Dads orchestra it’s extremely special and rare. This is for several reasons- one being that as a pianist, we just don’t have the opportunity to play with an orchestra as much as other orchestral instruments do. Playing amidst an orchestra is just straight up THRILLING. Add to the mix my Dad, who was Leonard Bernstein’s assistant conductor in the ’70s and had a regular weekly spot at Carnegie hall with his orchestra, The Endymion Ensemble, is the conductor- it’s such an incredible experience because I get to spend the time with him, observe what an awesome leader he is as a conductor of that many people, and learn from him about these great works of music
However I think the winner for me of the best musical memory to date was probably recording the Akris self titled album at Chris Kozlowski’s Polar Bear Lair with Sam Lohman on drums. Over the course of a couple months, several sleepovers, friends like Ron “Fezz” McGuinness, Dave Sherman, Scott Nussman and the legendary Steve McKay coming in for guest recording appearances, Chris and Sam helped capture a piece of my literal heart and soul.
I was and still am crushed by Chris Kozlowski’s passing. From the time I first started having recording experiences with this band until today I have never worked with an engineer who seemed to care about, and GET… . ME, my sound, and my music like Chris did on that album.
Not only that but in re-studying the album again this past year to prepare to develop several sets of these older songs, I realized the intricacies and genius of Sam Lohman’s drumming style. The fact that it is nuanced by his jazz and noise influence, bringing in elements of the same energy evident and needed to support groups like Acid Mothers Temple and Hawkwind, while still being directly supportive and intertwined with the bass makes this such an extremely special album and the best musical experience of my life.
Sam is now spending more time in Japan with his daughter which is wonderful- we have been in communication about continuing to play together in some capacity in the future, which I truly hope for. I also hope that, while I may never meet another sound artist like Chris Kozlowski, that I can find an engineer someday that is kind, respectful, and truly cares as much as he did.
When was a time when a firmly held belief was tested?
This past year Akris went through a major lineup change and speed bump in the release of a project that has been about 13 years in the works- “Wake the Sleeping Village”. You may remember having released the prequel song and music video to this in “Brown”- Akris had a plan at that time to record the music that had already been written by 2015 for WTSV, shoot the sequel short film and release the work as a concept album with a fully illustrated storybook.
Instead, “Your Mantis” was released, comprised of older Akris songs and a few shorter ones written in 2015, which unfortunately can no longer be found online anywhere that I am aware of. The members of Akris who were playing drums and guitar from 2015-Feb 2023 stated to me that I was to take down all materials involving them, refrain from naming them, and to disregard this would result in legal action.
The WTSV album actually initially had been recorded with this lineup by a studio engineer in Baltimore in February of 2020. An artist was also hired around this time to begin work on the storybook, which shifted into a prospective comic book.
I still have so much love for these individuals who were my friends and bandmates for SO long. However ultimately, there were choices that were made starting from around this time and worsening with extreme isolation in the pandemic that has culminated in quite simply, currently, one of the worst depressions I may have ever dealt with in my life.
Telling these longtime friends I didn’t want to play with them anymore, and knowing that we had a product ready to be released, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. However I knew that the sound of the album felt, synesthetically, like disrespecting myself. And while I have GREAT appreciation for the comic book artist, he was chosen by my previous bandmates and it was again made clear to me in our last conversations that I would need to find another artist for the project to avoid legal repercussions.
Jason Fletcher (Gradius) stepped in on drums to play several shows with Akris temporarily over the spring and summer while a short North Carolina tour was booked in October but my depression continued to worsen as thoughts of giving up started to ring out louder in my head.
One day pretty recently my brother called.
I think he may have caught wind that I’d been having a harder time than usual lately with depression and anxiety..
I love my brother and I know he was offering me a way out. Just, a logical, rational minded human beings take on this stage in my life.
He said “ You know, Helena… .you don’t HAVE to do Akris … you CAN just … let it go? You’ve got a lot going on right now with the school and the nonprofit and Mary, maybe just let it go and you’ll feel better.”
Up until that second- I had been considering just letting it go. More than ever. Letting EVERYTHING go. Just big old, total complete give up on music. Just be a mom and that’s it, throw in the towel on life, I’m done.
But… I found myself saying… “actually… I think I would… NOT feel better if I gave up Akris. I think actually I NEED Akris. To FUNCTION.”
Somehow it miraculously worked out within the next few hours of that conversation for Zak Suleri (Foehammer, Et Mors) to be able to do the October tour with Akris.
This short mini North Carolina tour is not in support of a new recording or release. It’s a homecoming. It became clear to me the moment my brother verbalized the option of giving up, that I couldn’t.
As long as some venue will let me have a stage somewhere, and as long as someone will beat two sticks on something with me I now know – I may have those thoughts again, and those difficult moments where it does seem like giving up is the easy way out. But there is something in me that has NO way out other than Akris and I just can’t survive without it.
Where do you feel artistic progression leads?
This question is so individualized and subjective for each person. Generally I feel that it leads to an understanding that you will always have new opportunities for learning and progressing further.
This does relate in a way to my own personal take on what artistic progression has been like for me; it’s been an unraveling rather than an enlightening process.
My artistic progression has led me to the brink of absolute no return and when there are no other options and no other ways forward I realize progress doesn’t even matter. It’s just simply having the ability to listen, feel and look for the sounds that exist inside me, or are being given to me from a spiritual place, and then attempt to express them. Artistic progression is knowing I have to do this for the sake of myself and in my belief that I am not alone.
How do you define success?
This QUESTION JJ!
You WANT me to say happiness don’t you?? That WOULD be the thing to say wouldn’t it?
I mean, that would be nice. I guess I’ve come to the point where I’m just really thinking about relationships.
Here’s a question I’d love YOU to answer sometime JJ – how much does a band’s conventional success (like, getting to the point where you’re actually lucky enough to be getting paid something, you get to have promoted touring and play actual well attended shows) do you think depends on the good relationships and communication skill set of the band members?
[Depends entirely on the band, but that kind of broader success often requires those elements, absolutely, unless you have enough money to just do whatever you want anyhow. I’ll note that’s not necessarily my definition of success. –ed.]
I think- a LOT. How many bands can WE ALL NAME right now that we LOVED that broke up forever because of bandmate communication issues or squabbles.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot because as I move forward into a potential new Akris era I try to ask myself have I been doing things the wrong way in this regard- have I counted on bandmates too much to be more than business professional work colleagues and be more like friends? Is that appropriate and ok in a band setting? Is it needed?
I think when you’re out there in the middle of nowhere on tour in the dead of night and something goes wrong… or when you’re on stage giving it your absolute ALL cause your entire LIFE hurts and that stage is your only safe space … I think you do need a bandmate there that’s also a friend you can count on.
Success for me would be continuing to cultivate the kind of bandmate relationships where communication could be easily expressed in a constructive way, from a standpoint of kindness and support.
I think with that success, anything can be done.
What is something you have seen that you wish you hadn’t?
No matter what bad memory I come up with … the unwanted, or scary, or gross, or even life altering things I have SEEN that come to mind as examples… after a few moments I realize I never would take it back. I would never wish I had not seen that thing.
I DO feel certain images, if we are talking strictly visuals here. Of course- maybe the most unproductive of these examples… I can’t even write too much about cause I will literally go pass out and barf, but if I see anything too gorey, or too leg/arm choppy, it may be over for me.
“Master and Commander” for example was truly a waste of a money ticket because at that amputation scene I was a goner, barfin in the movie theater trash cans, passing out on the movie theater floor.
But even in those examples – I still learned something about myself. That’s what makes this question so hard. I don’t know if I’d wish that experience away because it helped me learn something about me.
Any bad example I thought of here was like this. Some of the most pivotal moments in my life, where if I hadn’t seen something, maybe there would have been a more lucrative outcome- i realize there’s always a sacrifice of something from my present life that might have been lost.
Truly one of those, every bad moment leads you to where you are today, kind of scenarios.
Describe something you haven’t created yet that you’d like to create.
Akris’s next multimedia release, Wake the Sleeping Village. Even though this music was written almost 9 years ago and I’m dying to write and release NEW new material- I feel like I can’t until this is released. It’s just the next part of the Akris storyline and there’s something in me that really has to keep things chronological.
The 12-14 panel storyboard, illustration notes and film outline (and the actual dream I had in 2011) begin with the robed travelers picking up where they left off in the “Brown” video and traveling through an undefined eternal landscape of time. They eventually come to a wide open field with mountains in the distance – a tiger that fills the sky suddenly appears over the mountain range and the travelers know this is their purpose.
They help each other fly up into the mouth of the tiger, discovering an inner world within. Eventually they come out upon a mountain ridge to discover a village buried in snow- as they make their way down, they are invited in by a sleepy villager and reveal a surprising twist that wakes the entire village.
One major theme of the album aligns directly with the passion I have always felt about touring specifically through small town communities. It’s been my intention to include a letter to the reader within this book stating that if they live in one of these communities, particularly one that is underserved, to reach out to Akris and we will work towards putting their town on our future tour list.
I have mentioned synesthesia a couple times already here and this project is extremely synesthetic for me. This is one of the reasons why I ultimately, physically, could not support the release of materials that had been completed as of February 2023. There are visual artists who absolutely align with the sound and feel of this work for me, and my hope is to work with my friend and California based artist Skillit (Sean McEleny).
This project will be a multimedia release marketed not as Akris’s next album of music, but as a Story Book with Music and short film.
What do you believe is the most essential function of art?
After having taught the methodology for answering this question for almost two decades; thinking about this, meditating on it, researching it scientifically and spiritually my entire life; the best answer I can give is that I think art functions to help us as human beings express emotion — whatever that may mean subjectively to the individual.
Something non-musical that you’re looking forward to?
My nonprofit organization is in the middle of approvals process meetings for a monument recognizing the 4,735 formerly enslaved individuals (according to the 1860 census) in Clarke County VA that never received acknowledgment for their lives.
I heard about this shocking statistic while listening to a speech given by a dear friend of mine, civil rights pioneer Dorothy Davis, at the Juneteenth celebration this past year. I have gotten to know Dorothy and the rest of the congregation at St Mary’s Episcopal Church very well over the past 3 years of being the pianist and music director there- it’s an extremely historic African American church located here in Berryville.
My students actually raised close to $2,000 over the course of their summer program for the cause and presented before the Board of Supervisors- since then I established a Descendants Committee to make decisions about the prospective monument, and we now have about 12 representatives from different areas of the county.
The initiative has now passed the first three approvals meetings and is on its way to being presented before the Bishop of the Episcopalian Diocese of Virginia (this is due to the vote by descendants of location choice being on St. Mary’s church grounds). They have delegated myself and Dorothy to represent the committee in Fredericksburg before the Bishop after which time it will go before the Architectural Review Board.
It’s crazy to me that this had never happened in 160 years and I am VERY much looking forward to the ongoing process- even though we have already met with some extremely difficult opposition, the fact that it’s got momentum is absolutely groundbreaking.
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