The other day I’m kicking around the Obelisk MySpace page and I see a big ol’ banner ad that Oprah herself (or, more likely, someone authorized to use her likeness for the purposes of maintaining the page) now has an account. Big fucking deal, right? Personally I’d much rather see an update from the dudes in Suplecs, but this is the way the world works and more often than not it blows.

Then yesterday I check my friend requests and sure enough, in a little thumbnail picture with a big phony smile like she’s about to throw me in an oven, is Oprah, wanting to be my friend. I thought about it for a minute. I mean, I basically use MySpace as a way of promoting this site — that is, if I want to do a blog entry or something like that, I’m doing it here (clearly). One more friend is one more friend. But on the other hand, Oprah has fucking everything. Everything. Money, power, fame. Shit, she practically picked the last president. I know it means literally nothing and it’s not like she’s going to be in her dressing room crying in front of the vanity mirror with her mascara running down her face asking her army of assistants, “Why, oh why, couldn’t I be MySpace friends with The Obelisk?” But even if it’s an empty gesture, there’s the one thing Oprah can’t have: my MySpace friendship.

Fuck her show, her false generosity and all the people who perceive that she actually gives a shit about them. As someone who’s struggled with weight problems my whole life (even as recently as this morning), shut the fuck up and get the god damn surgery if it means that much to you. Hell, she could probably do it for free and make a week of episodes about it, get on every magazine cover and be a “hero” for exposing whatever the fuck about whatever the fuck. But whatever else she does or doesn’t do, and whatever riches and influence she acquires from here on out, Oprah will never, ever, ever, be my friend via that dying medium of social networking. Not going to happen. If she wants to hang out, she can give me a call like everyone else.

And fuck Rupert Murdoch too.

Tags: Oprah, Random shit, Ranting

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 11th, 2009 at 10:20 am and is filed under Whathaveyou. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.