It was bad enough when XM and Sirius merged and I had a whole new batch of wacky metal DJs to be yelled at by, but that was kind of understandable given the market and the fact that they probably should have been one company to start with. But this… this is too much:

SIRIUS XM Radio announced that legendary rock band Metallica will host their own music channel on SIRIUS XM. Mandatory Metallica will be broadcast on SIRIUS channel 27 and XM channel 42 and will debut on Saturday, March 14 starting at 6:00 pm ET and run through Monday, April 13 at 3:00 am ET. The launch of SIRIUS XM‘s Mandatory Metallica channel coincides with the band’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on April 4, 2009.

I’m a DirecTV subscriber, and XM comes through my TV as part of the package. When XM and Sirius merged, they just called it Hard Attack and Liquid Metal, depending on who was DJing at the time. I come back to the valley yesterday afternoon after being away all weekend, turn on the television and find Mandatory Metallica? Are you fucking kidding me?

First off, Metallica hasn’t put out a decent record in OVER 20 YEARS. Children have been born and graduated high school since the last time Metallica was worth a shit. And secondly, what’s the fucking point? Anyone who’s into Metallica already owns these albums! Why take away the possibility of the rest of us (and by “the rest of us,” I mean me) flipping away from commercials and hearing Slayer or Eyehategod in the name of “Unforgiven III?” Do you really think someone listening will be hearing “Master of Puppets” for the first time?

And ooh, you’re broadcasting interviews with the band. So fucking what? What could the rich-ass douchebags in Metallica possibly have to say at this point that’s either interesting or wasn’t covered in THE FUCKING METALLICA MOVIE WHERE ALL THEY DID WAS SIT AROUND AND TALK? If Metallica had anything to say, their albums wouldn’t suck so much. Hmm, I could listen to Lars be a self-absorbed dick (again), or I could maybe hear “Sweet Leaf.” Wonder which I’ll pick.

A solid month of this garbage might be the best advertisement for Music Choice I’ve ever fucking heard. Not only do they provide better programming without the bullshit, they have yet to give themselves over to such trite attention grabs. “Mandatory Metallica.” Isn’t this the kind of thing that unoriginal moron disc jockeys have been doing for years, leading to the demise of broadcast radio as a major medium? Well, if XM Sirius were to implode after doing something so stupid as replacing Liquid Metal (which was already far from perfect) with Mandatory Metallica, it would be no less than they deserve.

In the meantime, I’m fucking stuck watching that god damned McDonald’s commercial with Lee from Tenacious D and that singing fucking fish. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Tags: Fuck you Sirius, Fuck you XM

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 17th, 2009 at 2:24 pm and is filed under Whathaveyou. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.