Coping with the Guilt of Not Going to See Clutch at Starland Ballroom Tonight
If you look at the math, I should be there. It’s Clutch, it’s New Year’s, it’s Jersey, they’re performing the entire self-titled and filming it for a DVD, and I still have use of both my legs. Really there’s no excuse for my absence, and I 
can only imagine the heartbreak the band will feel at my not being there. I can just see Neil Fallon on stage now, gleefully bouncing his way through “50,000 Unstoppable Watts,” suddenly looking out on the already-melted Starland Ballroom crowd, realizing I’m not there, and — perhaps not mentioning it out loud, because he’s a professional — but maybe tearing up a bit. Little tear in his eye.
But, although the reasons for going are plentiful, the unfortunate rationality of sitting this one out seems to have won the day. I will not recommend you follow me in this course of action — if you’re lucky enough to have Clutch tickets for a New Year’s show, you damn well better use them — but here are my reasons for not seeing one of my favoritest bands rock in 2010:
01. Starland Ballroom.
I’m not even going to debate the matter. Last year around this time, Clutch played Starland and it was so packed I had to leave early. When Starland Ballroom fills up, it is not only a fire hazard, but one of the most unpleasant places to exist in the entire world. You know that scene in Rambo: First Blood Part II when the Russian guy comes after the not-Viet Cong have been torturing Rambo and cuts open his chest for no good reason? It’s like that, only with overpriced Bud Light. Plus, they charge $6 to park in their parking lot, which as far as I’m concerned is like paying the gorilla to rape you.
02. I don’t have a ticket.
And the show’s sold out. Might make things difficult if I suddenly decided to make the trip.
03. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Clutch do the whole self-titled record already.
You might have to spread it over a few years’ worth of shows — and don’t get me wrong, any night Clutch will relent and do “Spacegrass” is a good night indeed — but I can say with relative certainty that I’ve seen them do all the songs on that record. Even “The House that Peterbilt.” I’m glad it’s their anniversary, and it’s cool that they’re doing something special for their fans, but I’d honestly rather see Clutch do two sets spanning their whole catalog. They’ve kicked a whole lot of ass since 1995, you know.
04. It’s snowing.
I didn’t know it was supposed to snow today. No one told me. Frickin’ winter wonderland over here.
05. Driving back after the show.
Okay, so the gig gets out probably a little after midnight, or maybe not a little after. Either way, I’m driving up the Parkway surrounded by drunken dolts. Worst case scenario, I’m plugging my phone into the charger, I cross the lane divide on 287 and get pulled over for swerving. I’m not drunk, but the cop gives me a bullshit ticket anyway just because he doesn’t want to have wasted his time pulling me over. Hey, it’s happened before coming back from Starland.
06. They’ll be back.
I can count three times in my head I’ve already seen Clutch this year. I might have missed one. They come to Jersey (I know, because I’m here) and New York regularly, and barring catastrophe which I certainly wouldn’t wish on any touring band, they’ll be back. The touring cycle for Strange Cousins from the West probably still has some life left in it, and the next show won’t be full of the New Year’s show tourist assholes. Just the regular assholes. Like me.
I could go on, and extend the Starland Ballroom reason for another five paragraphs if I was so inclined, but I’m not. Although I know I’ll regret not going, I also know from experience that I wouldn’t enjoy myself if I did. Cynicism saves time and money once again. One more time, this is not me telling you not to see Clutch. Go see Clutch. Especially if you’ve never done so before. But for me, I’m going to hang back for this one, and I’ll catch them next go round. Not the most exciting of New Year’s plans, but I’ll get through it. Still love Clutch and hope everyone who goes has a great time.
Tags: Clutch, Gods, Maryland, New Jersey
When I lived in Jersey I saw a few shows at the Starland Ballroom…back when it was the Birch Hill Nightclub, I think (closed and later changed names due to mob ties or some shit like that).
Anyway, it sounds like NOTHING has changed in the years since I was last there. You deal with that BS a lot easier when you are younger…even enjoy it. When you get older though…it’s just plain BS and nothing more.
I hear you Brother. Now you can drink as much as you want and do it in your jammies if you are so inclined…I’ll probably be doing that very ting.
HAPPY NEW YEAR to The Obelisk and I’m looking forward to all that you’ll have to offer in 2010.
The Birch Hill was torn down, but Starland is run by the same crew (at least it seems like its the same people working there). Starland used to be a guido dance club called the Hunka Bunka Ballroom. It still sucks and if it were any other band tonight, I’d be at home too.
Oh, yeah, I remember the Hunka Bunka. I dated a girl that liked that place. I went once and that was enough. Guido is right. Thanks for helping to clear my balckout hazed memories from those days (the 90’s).
In First Blood Part II, the creepy Russian guy has Rambo’s knife in a bed of hot coals which uses to sear a scar on Rambo’s cheek. In First Blood, there’s a flashback to the Viet Cong cutting Rambo’s chest when the cops try to shave him in the police station basement. Either way, yeah.
I had my New Years fun early… caught them at the 9:30 Club in DC on 12/28/09… only my third time seeing them (second time seeing them at the 9:30 Club) and it was the as to be expected, better than ever!